Tthere’s no way around it: Long-term relationships are hard work—and there will be bumps along the way. Even the best marriages go through ups and downs, but couples that last have one crucial thing in common: They know it’s them as a unit versus the problem, not one person versus the other.
“You can’t solve couple problems individually,” says therapist Jocylynn Stephenson. “It almost always fails because you don’t have the input of the other person.”
While the specifics of those problems will vary from couple to couple, there’s comfort in knowing that others are likely grappling with some of the same core issues you do. Read on for a look at six of the most common marriage problems—and an expert’s advice on how to work through them together.
- You don’t take an interest in each other’s interests.
It starts with the best of intentions: You want your partner to be independent and pursue their passions, even if you don’t quite understand them. At the same time, you don’t want to overly burden your partner with the things you love that they don’t. While these sentiments come from a good place, they can create distance in a marriage. “If we allow for too much individuality, we end up in silos,” says Stephenson. “Then, we’re just kind of living parallel lives instead of weaving a life together.” This can lead to a loss of intimacy and interconnectedness that’s crucial for a healthy relationship.
The Solution
Be intentional about getting more involved. You don’t have to make your partner’s hobbies your own or know every detail about the roster history of their favorite football team. But you do need to look for opportunities to share your passions. “Figure out where the two of you can align so you have visibility on each other’s internal lives,” Stephenson explains. If you love figure skating and a particularly exciting competition is coming up, ask your partner to watch it with you. (Knowing the engagement has a distinct beginning and end will help make them more amenable to participating.)
On the flip side, if your partner is an avid cyclist, make time to check in on the pastime. “It can be as simple as saying, ‘Hey, what’s going on for you? Are you going on any big rides soon? Who do you ride with?’” Stephenson says. By actively staying in-the-know about what’s important to your partner, you validate their interests—and reconfirm your marriage as a place to explore those interests in the process.
- Your spending habits are different.
No surprise here: Money is one of the biggest sources of tension between married couples, particularly when it comes to how to spend it. But all hope is not lost just because one person has a tight hold on their purse strings, while the other subscribes to the Ariana Grande “7 rings” school of thought. (Key lyric: “If I like it, then that’s what I get.”)
In these instances, Stephenson begins counseling by helping couples explore the reasons behind their habits. “A lot of our work as marriage therapists is about helping couples understand one another, so I start with what spending means to each of them,” she says. “Where did you learn how to deal with money? What did you see growing up?” This lays the groundwork for more empathetic conversations about how to approach finances as a unit.
